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The following were taken from actual newspaper classified ads:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD
- PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB --
$850/offer
----------------------------
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM
WASHED.
------------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
---------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE
-------------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE
CHOPSTICKS
--------------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------------
GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL THAT
HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
-------------------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN
CLUB
-----------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES
CALIFORNIA GROWN -
89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED
------------------------------------------
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
------------------------------------------
AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED
$100
-------------------------------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND
FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
---------------------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS
-$175.
---------------------------------------------
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN
LEATHER.
-----------------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER
$300.
----------------------------------------------
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT
GUILTY.
---------------------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
--------------------------------------------
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
----------------------------------
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
--------------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No
longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.